I realize that there is no one to blame; not for the way we are feeling. You are distant and I am stumbling. I want everything. You can give me… nothing. I’m not angry anymore… It wasn’t your intention. You never meant to break my heart. You only handled me the way you’ve learned to.
Something shook me, bringing me closer to my center. I stepped back from the mirror, wiped the fog away… I looked at myself, for a change. Words started to come out again, the truth was revealed. I spoke. I secretly forgot about me. You forgot about you. Why do we seek treasure in all the wrong places?
You believed yourself unworthy, and I based my self-worth on your doctrine; written out there in the darkest places. I came back to the middle, where it first began. I went back to meet the past, face to face, reminded of my strange beauty, before the lifeless bled my life away. I am renewed.
In the dark you have begun to glow. In the dark I’ve begun to forgive. There was music, when I went to the Church and lit the candle. The words were unfamiliar, another language. But I recognized the feeling of forgiveness. Forgiveness is gentle like the spirit of a child or an animal; forgiveness entered me.
Once I crossed the ocean and sent my peace offering, the soul could begin to float. You knew I would leave again. I heard the voice, in London. It was an awakening. A light entered my head, and a stream of awareness began to feed into me. Now I am finding it… off in the distance it echoes. I’m following its song.
Your voice is soothing and harsh, yet I am warmed to know you are there. On the other end, where your life is unfolding. I am sending you warm blessings, as you venture into the future. We are closer now than ever. I let go of expectation. I stopped crushing you under the weight. I kept you falling, though you never knew. So now I am here singing… you are there winning. Maybe this is healing.
I will never forget the nights we touched. The times you shared your pain with me. You know every part of me. You’ve studied me. You could recreate my portrait. I know you inside. I know your voice. We are in each other. I live in a glass cage, on a pedestal… in your heart. I won that right.
They can come close to matching me. They have what I wanted. Still I have what they never will. You will show them all my dreams, and secretly you will keep all the love for me. I am safe there. I am not afraid of forgiving…forgiving brings clarity. I’m not clouded anymore, by the weight of you and me.
© Shaheen Miro 1/31/2012