I slept in a bit this morning because I needed to recharge myself. I am such a night owl and I just feel more passionate when the sun goes down. I find myself wanting to write, draw, sing and create… which is unfortunate because I have to be quiet. I feel wonderful this morning though, no rushing, no agenda. I like when I can sit in my bed and listen to music and just take in the day, the words, the feelings. It really puts you in a different frame of mind and it affects the rest of your day.
I have had the past on my mind a lot, or my life at home I guess would be more accurate. I thought by coming here to London I would be healing and letting go of old patterns and feelings. I have literally been taken out of my life at home, like someone picked me up and sat me here in London. Nothing is really the same here. I thought that when I returned a lot of what had been bothering me would have cleared up and I would feel a little bit of freedom from it. But I dont believe thats the case. I have grown and changed, but the end of the chapter isn’t me stepping back on that plane.
I spent the evening with a friend of mine, having coffee and talking about life. We sat there discussing work, dreams and living and he said to me, “I admire you for doing what you love, regardless.” I was moved by that. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough to continue pursuing my dreams. Though I would never give up, I sometimes wish I could just rest for a 100 years or I wish that the dream would just appear. But my mother taught me that its in the work we come to appreciate what we achieve. I admire my friend greatly because he views life in a different way that I and for him to still respect me… it’s touching.
As I sat there sharing my stories with him and taking in his own, I realized how sad it is that I must leave this place. At first I felt lost, and then I felt a little jaded, and now I feel connected… London is my second home I believe. There is something here in the spirit of it all that has taken me. I will always want to return. Its so vast, yet small. Its so cold, yet filled with love. Its a rambling place, of history and contradictions, mixed with inspiration and a tinge of chaos. I love it all. It’s sad to think it may be years before I return. Its sad to think that the friends I have made may never see me again… but I will do my best to not let that happen.
I am blessed to have had the chance to come here. This has been a major part of my journey. Like the haunting owl I am on a search… it’s probably endless. There is something powerful about travel and meeting new people. Starting a new life, no matter how temporary, it gives you a sense of belonging and a sense of strength. I will keep this time with me, the people I’ve met will always be precious to me. And I believe when I return home I will have changed for than I know… for the better obviously. I am shedding my layers of pain.
I pulled 3 cards this morning from The Heart of Faerie Oracle. This deck is so alive to me. I always love what comes up because the cards just vibrate and they truly get to the heart of their message. The first card I pulled is a mystery card… it has no name. I instantly saw “Grace”…. so thats what I will call her. Then I pulled the Lady of Faith, whom I love! And the Lord of the Forest… he has looked into my soul a time or two.
Grace is a card that hold so much meaning to me because she tells me to get back to basics. She is part Unicorn, either in race or spirit, and she tells me to learn to be comfortable in my body, my mind and my spirit. Her message is to be “naked” in every sense of the word. Freely exposed to the world, yet not vulnerable. She says that if you let down the walls, shed the pain, and lift the veil of fear…. standing as you truly are to the world you will have what is considered true grace! I silently ask her to give me the strength for this!
the Lady of Faith is so beautiful to me. She has come to me many times. She wears armor to protect her, yet she leaves her heart exposed because she doesn’t want to block out experience. The Lady of Faith protects and guards you. Her message is to remember that you have worth and that worth is something you should believe in. For me she is saying, “Through all the changes and experience you encounter, no matter how hard it may seem, you are finding your spirit. No one can ever define your worth, but you and to let your worth be judged by others is to allow yourself to be seen through their eyes, which will be clouded by their own experiences. No one can judge your soul because its yours alone. Believe in yourself in your darkest hour… and know that love will find you there.”
The Lady of Faith reminds me to be free, as in the message of “Grace”, but she ask me to keep myself safe. Only let down your walls when you are ready to stand firm in your self worth. This message is so necessary for me right now because I felt a little let down by people in my life. Someone whom I cared about very much sort of tarnished me. I still care about this person, but our relationship has changed and though I have had a hard time with the change… it seems to not have been a problem for him. It made me question what it is about me… and I realized it isn’t anything to do with me… but that wasn’t very comforting at first. So here I stand picking up the pieces and finding strength and giving love because thats the only way to heal anything.
The third and last card is the Lord of the Forest. He is the energy of action and masculinity. He is a protector of the lady of the forest and he guard the fragile, gossamer dreams that she gently weaves. The Lord of the Forest always seems to poses me with his eyes, he looks in me, he looks through me. He is the kind of spirit that makes you feel uneasy… but not necessarily in a negative way. He tells me to take action, no more time to sit and be idle. If I want something… a dream perhaps then I need to DO something. Which isn’t always easy.
The Lord of the Forest isn’t much for being idle. He is a leader, a mover and a untamed force. He urges you to be a leader. He urges me to be the victor and the flag bearer. I if I want to get through these changes and get to the other side with my treasures in had, then I have to be firm in my goal and I have to blaze the trail. I know he is leading me to the end of this… protecting me.
These cards are all so powerful to me. I really needed their messages to remind me of what I am doing and where I am going. Their messages give me a jolt of energy. It brings me to my senses. So here I stand at the sea with a handful of ashes and I cast them to the wind… I give away all the problems, the pain and the fears. They are not my own anymore…
“The haunting owl, the haunting owl/She cries, she screams, she shrieks out loud/wide eyed because she cannot slumber/bound to fly in shameful wander/perched atop the Churchill tower, silence, waits, she draws on power/night and day, time the same/ she flies in furry, she flies for change.”
To all your gypsy souls… with love
(c) Shaheen Miro 8/18/2011