You burn inside, hot and sticky, as these feelings curl up your spine. That person enters your presence and you are melting again, trying to hold your soft parts together. You could be liquid fire in front of him/her. The desire makes you ache… it’s too much.
We all want something, we all long for something. It could be a person or thing… you reach for it, grasping sand, that slips through closed fingers. It is always coming and going, and the feelings are undying. How do you gain composer with such a fever?
Boundaries are essential. You can’t live with them and you cant live without them. I affectionately told my friend the other day, “you can’t have your vodka and drink it too”… or can you. At the end of the day it boils down to what feels right to the ego and what feels right to the soul and how you can discern the two.
I know I have people in my life who walk in and out and they have free rein, and sometimes I shoot myself in the foot for being naïve enough to allow it, but my heart says one thing and my mind says another. You never know what to say in those situations, “Hey old friend, I love you, but you’re hanging around more than I like.” How do you articulate that without coming off like a total jerk?!
Break down the situation into intention. What is your intention with this person? Do you expect to gain something for your lack of boundaries? If you let them do whatever they want to you, do you think they will eventually give you what you want? Are you afraid to upset the peace? Do you think something will click? Will they change? You can’t live your life waiting for rainbows. Hope is a dirty, nasty word because it implies that something is impossible.
Who matters most? Do you have to sacrifice yourself to make this person happy? Or to get what you want? To have that dream job? Are you selling one dream to attain another? Are you feeding your own spirit? You have to look at each situation and know who is the most important person in it… which is YOU. You can be kind hearted, compassionate and giving, and still put yourself first.
When I say put yourself first, I don’t mean in the egocentric sense, I mean in the most loving and positive way. You cannot give to others if you can’t give to yourself… it’s sort of like a garden. If you are growing fruits and vegetables to feed yourself, but give them all away before you get a bite to eat… you’re going to go hungry. Don’t let yourself go hungry. Love yourself. Feed yourself. You will be able to give 110 if you go this route.
Who is holding responsibility? How many times do we get in situations where we give so much away… for a person or a goal and nothing comes back and then we get angry, sad, and guilty? It happens all the time because people place their personal responsibilities in the hands of others. It’s the martyr mentality. People would rather let someone else be responsible for their dreams, hearts and happiness because if things don’t work out, if they are left broken… then they aren’t at fault. BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF!!
You can see from the other person’s perspective if you want, but no matter how many times you walk in their shoes, you will never be them. You cannot rationalize for people. You cannot get in their heads and try to figure out what you are doing wrong or why they treated you a certain way.
You control the reaction. I think the most powerful piece of wisdom we can all take to heart is, we are in control. You may not be able to change circumstances, move mountains, change peoples minds, manipulate bank accounts… though you would be surprised… but what you can do is control your reaction.
What makes you feel out of control? Is it when you don’t get your way? Maybe its when you feel you look weak? Or embarrassed? Or when you don’t have enough? Find your point of weakness and let it become your strength. That becomes you point of power and allows you to gain a sense of control.
If you are in situations that feel icky, sticky and bad, stop for a second and breathe. Ground and center into the moment, call your energy back and release whatever negative feelings you have toward the situation or person. You have to lighten your load so that you can be free to move and grow and fly to whatever places you want.
Write your feelings out. Write letters to the place that hurts. If it’s a person, then write to them and tell them all the things you wish you could say to their face. Let the venom out. Be angry, sad or crazy! The page can take it. If it’s something you want or situations you are in then write to that as well… give it a persona and talk about how you feel. Let everything out. Now burn it! Or Flush it down the toilet! Let the old go, you have no need to cling to it. You are releasing this place of resistance to create room for boundaries and protection. You are changing your intention and your reaction.
It’s hard to create these boundaries in life because you want something and you know it’s negative for you. You struggle to see the truth. It’s easy to deny what our soul is trying to show us, but if you stop for a second and ask yourself if you are happy in a situation and hesitate for a second to respond “yes”, then you may need to evaluate what is holding you there.
Fear is usually the culprit for unhappiness… we are afraid of something! This gets back to intention. Face your fears. Look them in the eye, with a big F-You and take back your power! Set up a new plan and take a new route.
Lastly, Patience is your friend! We all want, what we want on our terms, in our time and when we don’t get it we get angry… which creates a place of resistance and alters your intention. Stay grounded and centered, and be patient. What you want will come in it’s time… and part of this patience is allowing yourself room to mess up, to be blind, to have to reroute yourself.
Don’t ever regret losing sight of your boundaries… it happens to everyone. What matters is that your eyes have been opened and you are working to better the situation. Get bold gypsies, say what you need to say and be fearless!
And don’t be afraid to reward yourself!
© Shaheen Miro